


So Beautiful

by danbaihe



Series: All For Us [2]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Abandonment, Abandonment Issues, Anxiety, Dealing with Intrusive Thoughts, Depression, Drug Use, Harassment, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Intrusive Thoughts, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Illness, Mind/Mood Altering Substances, Non-Consensual Drug Use, Past Drug Use, References to Depression, Self-Esteem Issues, Sexual Harassment, Substance Abuse, Toxic Relationships, Unhealthy Relationships, no one dies this time guys r u proud?, toxic interactions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-29
Updated: 2020-11-29
Packaged: 2021-03-10 01:21:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,962
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27776035
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/danbaihe/pseuds/danbaihe
Summary: He hoped Felix didn't point out the obvious.  That he looked sick.  Looked like he needed help.  He probably did, but that didn't mean he wanted someone else to point it out.Felix.God, Felix was back.And called him!Felix was back, and he called Changbin which means he cares.Felixcared.
Relationships: Bang Chan/Lee Minho | Lee Know, Bang Chan/Seo Changbin, Han Jisung | Han/Hwang Hyunjin, Han Jisung | Han/Seo Changbin, Kim Seungmin & Seo Changbin, Kim Seungmin & Yang Jeongin | I.N, Lee Felix/Seo Changbin, Yang Jeongin | I.N & Seo Changbin
Series: All For Us [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2019319
Comments: 11
Kudos: 87





	So Beautiful

**Author's Note:**

> TW FOR THE FIC: please for the love of god read the tags i beg of u
> 
> Playlist for the fic, u know the drill:  
> https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6oCW7SiQcO3GyJUzX0p6c8?si=ZYzJjC7NThCcokPRvtAjFQ
> 
> A/N (tw, update on health and updating stories- mild vent):  
> Haha yeah Changbin suffer more bc im suffering  
> speaking of suffering  
> This was one of those things where like I was motivated by life to write it but also life has been kicking me in the ass so I shortened it and there will probably definitely be another one of these bad boys  
> speaking of LIFE,  
> like usual, i'm not doing so well. My pain is getting worse and so are my migraines and genral sickness. It's proving to be really hard to be even _looking_ at a screen outside of school right now, and with absolutely no one irl adjusting to new problems well, it looks like i will be out of commission for awhile. I'll still be posting, just short oneshots that I already completed or completed chapters of works that are already up but I never uploaded bc im tired of my own shit lmao  
> I'm frustrated bc i felt like i just solved one problem with my health only to be thwarted with another one, but oh well. it is what it is lmao.  
> Also seperately, i joke abt how often i have to wear wrist braces but it's actually awful and at this point I need to give my body a /break/ and that includes with writing but im too fucking stubborn lmao.  
> im  
> d e t e r i o r a t i n g
> 
> enjoy me breaking changbin for a lil bit ig

_Changbin had been...drowning. Yes, that’s right. Water was filling his lungs as he sunk deeper and deeper, vision already gone. The water was darker the more he descended, and he knew he was dying._

_Was he always so pale?_

_He looked up, briefly, at the light. It looked dull. So very dull. Not like last time. Not when it was so bright and blaring at him._

_Why was it so dull now?_

_Changbin._

_Suddenly, he could breathe. He was coughing up water and gasping for air as he rolled off of his apartment’s kitchen counter._

_What the fuck? How did he get here?_

_He was still soaking wet, and water was starting to fill up his apartment. He wasn’t even near the river- or anywhere where it was raining. What?_

_He kept coughing and hacking up water- or really, anything he could, he took off his shirt to avoid the uncomfortable cling of the fabric. It was static charged, uncomfortably so. He gasped, bending over to catch his breath._

_Changbin!_

_Now he’s in the middle of nowhere. A road, surrounded by trees. Shirtless still, but at least there’s more light. It’s a gloomy day out, and the road doesn’t seem to actually lead anywhere, but maybe he can just-_

_CHANGBIN!_

When Changbin opens his eyes, there’s a lot of white. Blinding white. He kind of hates it.

“Hey- hey, you’re awake.” Jeongin. Who looked more than relieved. The steady beeping of machinery played in the background. Changbin’s ears were ringing. “The fuck?” He tried to focus, but his eyesight was too blurry.

Chan was at his bedside, taking his hand in the other’s in seconds. “Nurse said to just relax. Try to rest as much as possible.” He said.

“Okay.” Changbin mumbled. His speech was slurred. “M sorry Channie. Love you. And Sungie.”

“I know Changbin. I Know…”

...and that’s the-

“Say it back.”

Chan watched Changbin closely, like he was waiting for something else.

“What?” He asked.

“Say it back.” Changbin murmured. “Even if you don’t mean it. Just...indulge me for a moment.”

Chan hesitated.

“Changbin of course I would mean it, I-”

“I don’t care about that part. Just say it. Please. Just once.”

A silence fell over the room. Changbin could feel whatever medication he was on starting to kick in. 

“I love you Changbin.”

Okay.

Okay, good. That’s good.

Changbin smiled before he fell back asleep again.

Getting discharged was easy. No one told the hospital staff the reason for Changbin's overdose, just that they found Changbin like that. And Changbin was a broke college student, so of course, they had to discharge him.

Then, just like that, Changbin was back to his usual mental breakdown. Halfway through not quite dropping out of his classes, broke, and not really sure what to do with himself.

Drifting through life, but at least he was out of the apartment.

The very apartment that Chan and Minho had now been trying to spend more time at.

Even Jisung talks to him now, which would be nice if he didn't have to fucking suffer so much to get here. Honestly? He couldn't look at Chan or Jisung without feeling an unreasonable amount of anger- and it was only slightly better with Minho and Hyunjin. Jeongin came over occasionally, but Changbin thinks he was weirded out by how Chan seem weirded out by him. So, Changbin ended up staying the night at Seungmin and Jeongin's a lot.

"I think…" Seungmin said, after hearing another one of Changbin's upset rants. "That while they were assholes in the past, they're obviously trying to do better. Why not let them? Even if you don't give a fuck, just let them try, you know?" Seungmin murmured, and Changbin exhaled.

"But the past wasn't that long ago. Jisung didn't even _try_ to contact me when he got back in town. Chan didn't either. He came back into my life because he went to the wrong doorstep." Changbin said, exhaling and closing his eyes. He took a deep breath.

"Maybe it's fate." Jeongin said, shrugging. 

Changbin opened his eyes, unintentionally glaring at Jeongin.

"What?" Jeongin asked, shrugging. "Sometimes, you know, people say it's fate to cope. Like, blame it on the entity or something. It's fate you got fucked over by them, and now it's fate they're back in your life. I dunno, make something good out of it." He said, not as awake as Changbin previously thought he was.

"To cope sometimes I just let my intrusive thoughts do the talking." Seungmin said, shrugging. "Like, you know, just kinda let myself treat them like a daydream." 

"What?" Changbin sat up, leaning against the table where he was sitting across Seungmin, who was scribbling something down into a notebook. 

"Like..." Seungmin paused, setting down his pencil and intertwining his fingers. "...I know I wouldn't repeatedly stab Jeongin and let him bleed out in my kitchen but sometimes my mind comes up with the idea, and while I feel awful and guilty for having it, sometimes, when I'm really pissed at the fucker, it's okay to give yourself a moment of like…'metaphorically speaking, I'm ok with this maybe', you know?" Seungmin said, and Changbin nodded.

"Most of those thoughts I have though I'm not okay with." Changbin wrinkled his nose as he remembered some not so fun moments in his life. "Just guilty. Maybe angry at myself."

Seungmin sighed. "Don't treat them like your thoughts." He said.

"But they _are_ my thoughts." Changbin argued. Maybe not really argued. He was just...confused?

"Yeah, but are you gonna act on them?" Seungmin asked. Changbin paused. "Sometimes the urge is there. Once I did. Didn't like the outcome though. So no, I don't think I would." He answered, shifting a bit uncomfortably.

Seungmin sighed, shrugging. "Just...I dunno. Find out what works for you when you cope with them. I like to pretend like they're stories or films and see how they play out. Happens a lot when I'm pissed." He said, rolling his arms back.

"What if they just happen randomly?" Changbin asked.

"Binnie, when I spend time with you, a lot of things happen randomly. I don't think your thoughts are gonna try and work their schedule around you." Jeongin piped up. "It's fine, though. I don't think the world is gonna give you a get out of jail free card for having shitty thoughts but like, they're there. They're fine. When you don't act on them." He said from where he was on the couch, trying to pull the closest friend closer to probably make him food. Seungmin sighed, getting up, and swatting Jeongin's arm away.

Changbin snorted, grabbing his phone right as it rang.

He answered it, not looking at the caller ID.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Changbin, I was just-"

Chan.

Yikes.

He hung up immediately, ignoring the rush of adrenaline that shot through his body.

"Fuck me." Changbin muttered, letting his shitty phone clatter on the table as he rubbed his face, eyes closed. 

"Who was it?" Jeongin questioned.

"Chan." Changbin muttered.

"He's reaching out? For what?"

"I don't fucking know." Changbin sounded defensive. "I didn't listen long enough before I hung up." He said, sighing into his hands.

His phone rang again.

"Jesus christ." He said as he picked up the phone and answered it. "What, Chan? What do you want?" He asked.

"Hey Binnie." A new voice.

Changbin looked at the caller ID.

Felix.

"Oh." He said. "Hey. Sorry. That wasn't- I thought you were-"

There was a deep laugh on the other end of the line. "It's okay. I just moved back from Australia and since I'm like, unpacked and everything, I wanted to visit or something...if that's okay?" Felix asked. Man, when did his voice get so deep?

"Uhm."

Changbin's brain wasn't computing. Felix? Senior year friend Felix? Like the one he couldn't stop thinking about murdering for absolutely no reason and they just, grew apart? That Felix? He wanted to see Changbin again? He came back?

"If you don't want to that's totally fine." Felix said, chuckling nervously.

"No!" Changbin said immediately. "No, no." Quieter. "I'd love to." He might've smiled a little.

"Cool." Felix said. He was trying to downplay his excitement, Changbin could hear it.

"I guess I'll text you a time or place then?" Felix asked, and Changbin nodded. Realizing the younger couldn't hear him through the phone, he cleared his throat. "Uh, yeah! Sure. I'm free any time too, so, whatever works for you." Changbin said.

"Okay! I'll text you after I figure out my schedule for the week! Sounds good?"

"Sounds good. Oh, and Felix?"

"...yes?"

"Welcome back to Korea, dude."

"Awh. Thanks. Bye Changbin."

"Bye."

That week had been the first week in a while that Changbin actually got shit done and had it not be completely horrible. A few assignments he put time and effort into, he got himself some groceries (although Chan had been buying them for him occasionally, and Changbin still had no idea how to tell him he was lactose intolerant), he washed his face three days in a row. He's really proud of himself for that one, even if no one else would think it was an achievement he should be proud of.

He even put effort into his outfit when meeting Felix. He actually wore jeans instead of just sweatpants. He considers that something he should definitely be proud of.

He hoped Felix didn't point out the obvious. That he looked sick. Looked like he needed help. He probably did, but that didn't mean he wanted someone else to point it out.

Felix.

God, Felix was back.

And called him!

Felix was back and he called Changbin which means he cares.

Felix _cared._

Felix gave a fuck about Changbin and it made Changbin ridiculously happy. Literally. No one should get that much of a dopamine boost from someone coming back to him. But Felix came back. And texted _Changbin_. Nevermind the voice in Changbin's head screaming that he never knew Felix even left in the first place.

Felix chose a cat cafe for their meet up, which was… so on brand for Felix honestly. He had changed a lot. Changbin remembered him as a sweetheart. A small cutie who deserved the world and looked like honestly someone could jokingly flick him and he'd bruise. He was still cute, don't get Changbin wrong. He was sporting a mullet now that Changbin liked and had a few piercings of his own, the most noticeable being a lip piercing. His freckles made him look more mature, oddly enough, and he had tanned a bit. He was also taller than Changbin, but Changbin refuses to dwell on that small fact.

"Hey." Changbin internally cringed at how over-excited he sounded.

"Hey!" Felix laughed. God, Changbin missed Felix so much.

"Wow. You look so different from last time I saw you." Felix said, smiling widely. Changbin forced his brain to not go auto-pilot, freaking out a little but not letting it show. Felix seemed to mean it in a positive way. It was positive, right? God, what if he was just like Chan and Jisung? Changbin should've had his guard up from the beginning. What the fuck was he even doing here?

"Haha. Thanks. You too." He said, smiling still. Fuck, why was he here? Why was he-

"Do you still drink regular, plain coffee like a fucking madman, or should I get something different?" Felix asked, head tilting towards the menu. Changbin's thoughts stopped for a moment as he tried to register what Felix was saying.

"Uh, coffee. But if they have something like donuts that would be cool too." Changbin said, smiling.

"I'm on it. I'll pay, since I invited you, okay?" Felix asked, grinning. Changbin mutely nodded.

"Okay." He said.

A cat waltzed up to Changbin while Felix was at the counter, ordering them food and drink.

"I know." He whispered to the cat, scritching behind her ears after she jumped up into his lap. She closed her eyes, purring slightly. Changbin laughed slightly.

"You and me both." He murmured. "I'm happy he's here… I'm just a little anxious, okay?" He said to the cat, who didn't seem to react to him besides his head pats. "Look, you would be too. The first person that comes back in your life, you'd be sure they're gonna leave again, wouldn't you?" He asked the cat, who stretched comfortably from where she was in his lap. Changbin sighed. "It's not irrational." He whispered. "It's just… he'll find someone better and leave me again. I'm sure of it." He said, Jisung flashing through his mind.

"One god awful coffee and an amazing wonderful donut coming up- ooh! Who's the cutie on your lap?" Felix carefully set down their food on the table, humming as he crouched down to pet the gray cat in Changbin's lap.

"Uhmmmmm…." Changbin slowly reached for the tag on the dark blue collar she wore. "Yoonsa." He read out loud.

"Well, Yoonsa seems to like you a lot." Felix commented, chuckling a little. Changbin smiled. "Yeah, I guess so." He murmured.

"So, I guess a little catching up is in order?" Felix asked as he sat back down across from Changbin, the older watching Yoonsa leave his lap and walk lazily to the closest toy in sight.

"I guess." Changbin said, forcing himself to tear his eyes away from the cat. "You wanna start? I didn't know you went to Australia." Changbin said, smiling. Felix chuckled.

"Yeah…" 

Changbin listened. Changbin listened to Felix's story about how he was offered a scholarship for school when he planned to take a gap year, but ended up going anyway. How he had a few months of a rough patch and after a bit of studying he decided to come back to Korea for dance. How he remembered he and Changbin used to get along so well, and how he missed the other. Changbin liked hearing that last part.

"So, what about you?" Felix asked.

"What about me?" Changbin asked, tilting his head.

Felix laughed. "What have you been up to, loser?" He asked. Changbin's brain went back into panic mode.

"Uhm… I don't know." Don't tell him about the drugs. Don't tell him about the drugs. "I guess… I went to college like you. Made a couple of friends. Stopped working out. Stopped dancing. Stopped making music outside of school… " He shrugged a bit. "I don't do much nowadays." He said.

Felix frowned a little. "You stopped working out? And making music? You used to love that." He said.

"Yeah… " Changbin shrugged, chuckling. "Got busy. Then I wasn't busy. Just tired." He said.

"I get that. Living is exhausting sometimes." Felix nodded, like he understood. He didn't. God, he didn't.

"Yeah. I don't know, I have all the time now and never enough time to get to the stuff I want to." He said with a shrug.

"You still wear that ring?" Felix pointed out nodding to Changbin's hand. Changbin, honest to god forgot he even had it on.

"Oh." He said. "Yeah. I guess so." He said, shrugging.

"Why do you still wear it if it's like… a broken promise, or whatever? That's what you told me, right?" Felix asked. Changbin sighed.

"I'm the only one who didn't break it. I told you that too." He said, and Felix nodded. "So I'll continue to not break it. Just… in case I guess." He said.

"In case what?"

_In case they decide to come back to me  
Like really, truly, come back._

_They never will. Chan just pities you right now. He'll leave again. He will._

"I dunno." Changbin answered. "Just...in case."

_Get over it. They don't wear their rings. They haven't since middle school._

"You're waiting for them?" Felix asked.

Maybe.

"Yeah."

Life, honestly, was not that horrible since Felix came back into it. Some might argue it was even good. They talked over text almost everyday, and saw each other at least once a week. Felix led all their hangouts and Changbin was fine with it. If Felix was happy, Changbin was happy.

But, of course, there were withdrawals.

Which were awful to go through _again_.

Then there was the realization he could barely cope without cocaine, which was its own obstacle.

So, like clockwork, he had a line in front of him again, and was staring at it. Deja vu, really. He’d been sitting almost exactly like this when Chan first walked in. Except now, he was a little more awake. A little less like his bones felt heavy. That should be good, right?

A knock at the door. 

Changbin didn’t respond.

Maybe they could just go and he could relapse in peace and-

“Changbin? I brought over some brownies!!”

Fuck.

_Fuck. Fuck. Fuck, Fuck-_

_Nooooooooo-_

_Fuck you universe!! Let me relapse! What the fuck!?_

It was Felix.

“Shit.” Changbin panicked, swiping at the powder with his hand. Then the real panic kicked in when he realised he just wasted drugs that were incredibly expensive for him.

“Fuck!” He whisper-yelled, trying to simultaneously wipe at and save what was left on his coffee table, a string of curses let out.

“Everything okay?” A worried Felix asked through the door.

“Fine!” Changbin yelled back. Everything was not okay. Fuck! Everything was not okay. Fuck you Felix- Fuck-

He tried to get his coffee table to look as clean as possible before running to the kitchen to rinse his hands. Did he pay his water bill? Fuck! Ow! Yes, he did, it turns out, because he just burned himself in the sink.

Now, we enter the need to cry out but the inability to because you don’t want the man behind the door to have another excuse to stay mode.

Fuck- speaking of Felix-

Changbin ran to the door, narrowly avoiding stubbing his toe.

“What the FUCK- What the shit-”

“-Are you oka….?”

No.

Changbin was not okay.

“Fine.” He responded, forcing a smile onto his face. He was _not_ fine. He was on the verge of debt because of medical bills and an addiction everyone but him wants him to recover from. This is very not fine. He just destroyed his _only_ way out of this goddamn hellspace-

“Just...burnt my hand.” Changbin said, raising up the definitely burned and definitely swollen hand into Felix’s view. “...with coffee.” He said, after a moment’s hesitation.

“We should get that checked out-”

“No.” Changbin quickly shot down. “I’m broke. I’m just gonna bandage it and live.”

“O-Oh.” Felix was startled by the other’s tone. Changbin’s word at the moment was absolute. There was no room for arguing. He even seemed a little irritated.

“Well...can I come in?” Felix asked, raising the box of brownies. Changbin nonchalantly took them and set them down somewhere, shaking his head.

“Uh. No. Sorry. Nasty coffee stain. I have to clean it up.” He said awkwardly, blinking.

“Well- I can clean it up. You probably shouldn’t be cleaning up coffee with a burnt hand-”

“No.” Changbin’s tone was much more aggressive. He probably didn’t mean for it to be that rude. “It’s fucking fine. I don’t want guests right now.” He said.

“Oh...okay.” Felix shifted uncomfortably, now visibly noticing the other’s irritation with him.

“I’ll uh...leave you to it then.” He said, managing a smile that wobbled a little, but kept on his face as he gave a small wave and walked away, Changbin slamming the door unintentionally.

When the door was closed, Changbin felt like he could breathe again.

“Fuck!” He shouted angrily, running his good hand through his hair. He glanced back at the coffee table. 

He has to get his shit together, or at least be _smarter_ about losing his shit.

Felix, Changbin  
11:42 PM

Changbin: I’m really sorry for how I acted- that was uncalled for.

Changbin: Like really, I have no excuses, I was just shit to you.

Changbin: I don’t hate u or anything.

Changbin: In fact, I’m rlly glad ur here.

Changbin: I like being able to see you again.

Changbin: I’m sorry.

Changbin: I’m really fucking sorry.

Changbin: also ur brownies r really fucking good.

Felix, Changbin  
1:31 AM

Felix: It’s okay hyung! Everyone has their off days! And some are just more stressful than others- I completely understand haha.

Felix: stay hydrated today okay? <3

One shitty bandage job and a 12-hour nap later, Changbin is now clad in sunglasses and what he likes to call almost-homeless chic: a ratty sweater that used to be his moms but he wore so often for comfort there are now holes in it, and a pair of sweatpants he’s 80% sure aren’t his but have no idea who’s they _could_ be. He’s leaving his apartment since this is the first time in days he’s felt stable enough to- if you could really call light headed, feeling disconnected from your body (and like you’re floating), a little dizzy, and unable to walk in a straight line stable.

Changbin’s life is so fucking hilarious it should be a graphic novel at this point.

Where is he going you ask?

Not Felix’s. He’s sure he fucked that up. He’s sure Felix hates him and will abandon him, even if he’s good at hiding it.

Jeongin? Seungmin? That means he would have to admit he almost relapsed to begin with.

Jisung? _Ha!_

Now...Chan?

Chan is willing to bend over backwards for Changbin, and Changbin right now wants to surround himself with cats until he either vomits again or falls asleep again. Chan will let him play with Minho’s cats if he just asks.

"Will you ever actually talk to me, or should I just expect playing with Minho's cats and giving me the silent treatment?" Chan asks, watching the skinny man on the floor as he had all three cats either around him or on him, Soonie headbutting Changbin gently. Changbin was too distracted by the soft animals to give Chan an answer.

"Truthfully?" Changbin asked, slowly petting Dori, on his chest. "I only came over for the cats. They listen to my struggles." Changbin sighed, feeling Dori purr and press into him, claws going through his sweater as she stretched. It's okay. He didn't need the sweater anyways.

"I've never seen them like someone as much as you. Me excluded." Minho commented. 

"Yeah, because your boyfriend is a dog person." Changbin responded. "Where is Berry by the way?" He asked.

"Berry is with my parents and brother." Chan said. Changbin hummed. "Sucks. I liked Berry too." He said.

They weren’t really talking about what they needed to.

But they were talking.

For Chan, that was enough.

"Do you think you'll ever like people?" Minho asked, jokingly. 

"Maybe if they resemble an animal enough." Changbin responded, closing his eyes. He liked the feeling of one of the cats curled up on his stomach as he breathed. This was nap material, right here.

"Hm." Minho watched Chan leave the room, sighing slightly. When he heard a door close, he sat down next to Changbin.

“Do you personally enjoy pushing people who care about you away?” Minho asked after a silence fell between the two.

_Personally enjoy it?_

_What are you, fucking dumb??_

Changbin scoffed. “Yeah you’d think so.” He snapped.

Minho was caught off guard but it was clear Changbin wanted to say more, so he let him continue.

“I didn’t push him away originally.” Changbin answered. “Why should I stop doing it now? He gets a taste of his own medicine.”

"Do you hate me?" Minho asked. "Like, for taking Chan from you or something?"

_Yes. Sometimes I think about pouring fucking rat poison into whatever dumb drink you have at the moment. How you'd crumple and die while foaming at the mouth._

_No._

_I like Minho._

_I don't know what the fuck that was- but I like Minho and I think that if he wasn't dating an asshole, we could be friends._

"No. I don't hate you." Changbin said. "I think your preference in men is questionable." He said.

Minho laughed. "He's nice, once you get to know him." He said.

But that's the problem.

Changbin _did_ know him.

When Changbin first sees Hyunjin, and truly talks to him, he and Jisung are arguing in a store.

“No! I don’t fucking care Jisung, I’m sick and tired of it. If you’re going to keep being paranoid about fucking everyone dropping dead, why not go wait in the car? The only thing that’ll drop is the fucking temperature!” His voice carried through the aisles, even if he was just whisper yelling. Changbin couldn’t really catch Jisung’s reply. But he did hear Hyunjin’s response to that.

“If you’re so fucking worried about him and everyone else, Sung, then why the fuck are you dating me?”

There was a mix of dialogue after that, not all of it Changbin could catch.

“...It’s not-”

“I don’t think it’s working-”

“Can we not fucking do this in a store!?”

“You think I want to be arguing in a store?”

Fuck, should Changbin just leave? He kind of feels like he’s about to vomit anyways. The tomato sauce isn’t worth getting involved with whatever the fuck goes on with those two. Changbin didn’t even know they were dating-

Then again he knows nothing about Jisung.

After a few more minutes, one of them stomps loudly away, and distantly, Changbin can hear the jingle of the front of the store’s door being opened and closed.

Slowly, he turns into the aisle.

Hyunjin looks up at him and blinks.

“Jesus fucking christ.” The younger says.

“Nice to see you too.” Changbin responded sarcastically.

“No- fuck you.” Hyunjin said, reaching for his pack of cigarettes- before realizing he couldn’t smoke inside. He looked irritated and upset.

“How much did you hear?” Hyunjin asked, looking at Changbin with narrowed eyes.

“Of what?”

“You know what the fuck what.”

“Oh. The...the yelling?” He asked, looking back to the door entrance. “Didn’t really _decipher_ anything.” He said. “It was just loud.” He explained.

Hyunjin scoffed as he watched Changbin, rolling his eyes.

“It was about you.” Hyunjin said.

“What?”

“The stupid fuck is convinced everyone is gonna seize and die on him now. Has night terrors about it.” Hyunjin said. “Cause...Cause you got so wrapped up in your bullshit you thought it was okay to just fucking do that to someone else.” He spat.

Changbin blinked.

“Night terrors suck.” He responded.

Hyunjin scoffed and turned his back.

“Should I be sorry? I didn’t even fucking know until now. A coincidental run in.” Changbin said.

“Should you- do you fucking hear yourself?”

“He doesn’t talk to me!” 

“Yeah, I fucking wonder why!”

“He didn’t even before I was addicted to drugs.” Changbin snapped. “He only introduced me to you to replace him. You know what the fuck that’s like?”

“You know what it’s like to be used to replace _you_!?” Hyunjin snapped back, pointing two fingers at Changbin. They were silent as Hyunjin slowly walked closer, fingers meeting the older’s chest.

“I. Can’t. Beat. It.” He said, taping against the other.

Changbin was a little scared. Mostly finding it sexy, but uh, he probably shouldn’t say that bit out loud.

“Everyone doesn’t like the original enough to feel the need to replace him. Then forget the replacement exists.” Hyunjin scoffed. Laughing a little. Like he said a joke.

Changbin found himself laughing too, a little.

“This is so fucked.” Hyunjin whispered, and Changbin couldn’t stop himself from laughing so hard he cried.

Partying.

If he couldn’t get his drugs by buying them himself, he’d go partying.

Maybe he could score something.

So now, here he was, at some lame, shady club, that was loud and packed with people Changbin knew would definitely have what he needed but could also maybe kill or mug him. He’d need to be careful-

“Hey there.” A man greeted him. He was...attractive. Not enough for Changbin to try anything (he told himself he wasn’t that desperate anyways), but enough for Changbin to be in his company without feeling like he was gonna throw up.

“Hey.” Changbin responded.

“Can I get you a drink?” He asked, eyes wandering all over Changbin. It made him feel gross. He was too broke for his own alcohol though.

“Okay.” Changbin said.

“C’mere.” The man led him to a bar. Changbin didn’t bother to listen to him droning on, just glad he had something to drink. Something that went down very quickly, mind you. Changbin was by no means someone who liked alcohol by itself, but desperate times call for desperate measures.

And Changbin’s starting to get desperate.

“Let’s go outside.” The man said.

“No thanks!” Changbin responded.

His eyes darkened, but he didn’t respond before leaving Changbin alone. Oh well. Alcohol down. One other substance to abuse to go.

His search led him nowhere. It was extremely difficult to score in a crowd you didn’t know, and Changbin had basically given up. His phone was blowing up with texts from Chan.

Maybe a couple from Felix?

Fuck this, he’ll dance instead.

Changbin closed his eyes as he listened to the music. He moved his body very slightly and very fast to the beat. Let it happen, Tame Impala. His eyes were closed as he continued, head up, facing the ceiling. Slowly, his arms were raised. It was almost in slow motion, how he smiled, how he built up anticipation through his dancing, his body gradually becoming more energetic as the music played. The color of the lights made the room change from red, to purple, to blue. It was ethereal, almost. If not fucked up, how he ended here.

And then, he opened his eyes. It seemed he was frozen in the crowd as he turned his head slowly, eyes meeting Jisung's.

What the fuck is Jisung doing here?

He seems on edge. Upset- terrified, even.

A moment, when the song is nearing the end of the bridge and it trips on the beat, they meet eyes, and for a moment, Changbin shares that odd...almost euphoric feeling with Jisung. And Jisung, for a moment, feels it too. At least Changbin likes to think so.

Just like that, there's someone's hands on Changbin's hips, and Jisung feels like he's been ripped out of the moment as Changbin jumps, not expecting someone to touch him on the dance floor.

Changbin looked as surprised and shocked as Jisung felt, but quickly recovered from it. Changbin was always good at hiding his emotions from others. What he was really thinking. Even a little drunk. It was the same man from earlier. Changbin felt gross. His hand still kinda hurt too. He was too drunk to reliably punch somebody.

He pivoted on the dance floor, dodging the man's attempts to grab his hips as he kept dancing, laughing. The man made another attempt, this one looking more like a swipe, and Changbin simply sidestepped the man, turning so that for a short few seconds they were back to back, and Changbin finished on the other side of the man. At this point he had made it clear he wasn't interested. The man grabbed Changbin rather violently by the hip and elbow, Changbin being caught off guard and stumbling as he was pulled against the other.

"What-" Changbin quickly realized no one, including the man now holding him, would be able to hear him over the music. He was pulled off the dance floor, struggling as he tried to pull away. While moving, it was hard. When did the lights start to blur like that? Was he always this light?

Jisung had seen Changbin, and then he saw the hands, and then Changbin twisting and turning...and then Changbin was gone. Like he had just disappeared. Jisung furrowed his eyebrows together glancing around on the dance floor. Where the hell had Changbin gone?

"Get your hands off me!" Changbin yelled, voice slurred as he was pushed out onto the back alley way of the club, stumbling and barely keeping himself on his feet. He was definitely drugged. This is not the kind of score he meant.

"You're a pretty thing, you are. The pretty ones always struggle a lot." The man commented, chuckling. Changbin was disgusted by whatever the hell this man was insinuating.

Also, _pretty_?? What the hell? Changbin had never really been described as pretty ever. And he wasn’t a big fan of it either.

Wow...he’s...really dizzy holy shit.

He aimed a very not well-aimed swing, managing to luckily hit the man’s nose. 

“Fuck!”

_Run. Make a run for it now. Don’t look back just run._

He started to run for the end of the alley way that led around to the front of the club, but he was stopped short by a force turning him slightly and slamming him into the wall. He yelled out in surprise and, a little later, pain, groaning as his neck and shoulder came into contact with the wall. “You should be passed out by now.” The man said, chuckling. “You one of them druggies, ain’t you?”

Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck he’s in so much pain.

The wall felt like it was scratching and tearing at his skin. He tried to pull away, but something was stopping him.

When did that voice get so close?

"You're not going anywhere pretty boy." The man grinned, pinning Changbin to the wall, the younger squeezed his eyes shut and with as much might as he could muster, pushed the man off of him. It was a lot of might, as it turned out, because the man was pushed back far before he tripped and fell, garbage breaking his fall.

Changbin held his arm in pain, groaning. "Oh you've really pissed me off." Changbin said (hopefully- he couldn’t actually keep track of the words that tumbled out of his mouth), feeling his left arm for where it hurt most. Jesus Christ.

"I pissed you off?" The man asked, laughing as he got up. "Boy, I'm spilling blood because of you. Make this easy for me before I get pissed." He said, and Changbin scoffed.

"You fucking wish." Changbin spat, his wrist grabbed by the man as he tried to pull him again, Changbin stumbling again. Curse him being slightly tipsy. And drugged. Oh well. He could still fight.

Not really, his consciousness is starting to go. Fuck, why couldn’t his body have an even better tolerance for drugs?

"I said let go of me." Changbin warned, pulling away. The man still kept a firm grip on Changbin, but Changbin wasn't aiming to tug away, he was aiming to test the man's strength. He doubted the other was going to listen to Changbin telling him to let go. His brain was slowing, but what he learned from the two months of martial arts was slowly seeping in. Like cloudy memories.

"Why baby? I think the two of us could have some fun." The man said, pulling Changbin closer to him.

"The fuck? Fuck you." Changbin bit the man’s arm, hearing him cry out and let go. Changbin fell forward, crawling on the ground, the man chasing after him. He was so fucking drugged right now. This felt awful. Everything was ripping apart at his skin and he couldn’t see. The man grabbed a hold of him and he fell down, yelling out as he was pulled back, unable to really fight.

Then there was a loud sound of something connecting with skin.

"The fuck? You fucking bitch you broke my nose!" The man yelled, starting towards Changbin.

“That wasn’t me.” Changbin whispered, squeezing his eyes closed.

He was stopped short by something hitting him over the side of the head. When Changbin's eyes cleared he saw Jisung standing over the stranger with a long wooden piece of trash that may have once been a part of a support beam or an art project. 

"It was me." Jisung snapped, scoffing as he threw the wood on the man, the guy groaning.

"Fuck?" Changbin tried to get himself to get up, lifting his head. “The fuck?” He mumbled, eyes closing.

“Jesus Christ.” He heard Jisung mumble.

“Go away. Sleep now.” Changbin whined, feeling his body start to go limp.

"No. I need to get you home.." Jisung said, slinging Changbin's good arm over his shoulder and placing his hand on Changbin's waist. Changbin liked it there. It didn't feel disgusting or just wrong like when the stranger grabbed him. Just...comfortable. Jisung's hands were soft too.

“Are you on something?” Jisung asked.

“I’m drunk.” Changbin mumbled, letting himself be dragged.

“Did you do drugs?”

“dunno.

“Did you order your own drink?”

“No.”

“It might’ve been drugged.”

A silence fell between them.

"Haha. Yeah." Changbin said.

"Yeah." Jisung responded.

Where was Felix? He needed Felix. Changbin had been wrong he doesn't hate Felix he loves Felix and he needs him now.

"Let me drive you home." Jisung said.

"Okay." Changbin replied.

He let himself be whisked away to the shady parking lot, unable to get his mind off of Felix. It was a sluggish thinking process, but one that he was invested in.

When they got back, Jisung was silent in getting Changbin from the car to his house. He said nothing as he sat the other on the ripped up couch, going to get a cup of water for the other. After he had water and a slice of bread in front of him, it was silent.

He was definitely a lot better, after sleeping through the ride. Changbin didn’t realize how long he must’ve been on the train for when he first went to the shady club because he woke up mostly sober. He was still struggling to make coherent thoughts and he definitely, _definitely_ was way too sluggish for the drug’s effect to have completely gone, but he was lucky. Whatever it had been, the man who gave it to him must’ve given him a lower dose. His tolerance is good, but not that good. He was lucky.

_You were saved, idiot. It wasn’t tolerance, or misusing and mismeasuring drugs. Jisung fucking saved you._

_He could’ve been too late. The tolerance elongated it so that he wasn’t._

_Am I really trying to justify having an addiction?_

_No. I’m just taking note that my tolerance saved me. I didn’t even mention-_

_What if I just broke my window and drove my burnt hand through the glass-_

_Jesus fucking christ! Fuck you! I didn’t need that! Fuck-_

Changbin slowly raised the cup to his mouth.

“Are you okay?” Jisung asked.

Most people would answer no, or yes. Either admit what just happened was fucked up, or ignore it happening at all.

Changbin shrugged.

“I mean, I feel like shit.” He said.

“Yeah.” Jisung softly laughed. “I figured.”

“He didn’t really do anything though, so I’m fine in that regard.”

That’s a lie, that’s such a fucking lie-

Jisung frowned.

“Tell me about you.” Changbin said, eyes lazily lidded.

“What?” Jisung asked.

“Just anything. Could be shitty. Could be about me.”

"I don't sleep well." Jisung said.

"How come?" Changbin asked between sips.

"You." Jisung responded. Changbin knew it was about him. Hyunjin said it, now Jisung.

"I mean… I can't get any sleep because then I have nightmares. Of you. Dying." Jisung said. 

Changbin thinks to all the thoughts he had that weren't even dreams of Jisung dying. How he thought about running him over with his own car. It's funny, how one of them is desensitized to death and the other is clearly not.

"Oh." Changbin said.

"What if we couldn't have gotten you to the hospital in time?" Jisung asked.

"I would've died." Changbin said.

"Yeah. But it's more than that I always- you either die in the hallway in front of the bathroom or you die in your sleep when I'm watching you." Jisung said.

"Oh." Changbin replied unhelpfully.

"Yeah." Jisung said.

_Am I supposed to pity him? Sympathize? These past couple of hours together are the first time we've really talked in years._

_But he saved me._

"That sucks." Changbin tried.

"Yeah." Jisung said.

_Sometimes, when I see you in the store or in the subway, I think 'What if he got pushed in right before the train comes?' or 'What if I killed him with the glass bottle?'_

_I feel guilty for it. I'm sorry. I don't want you dead. I don't like you but I don't want you dead._

_I don't want to die either._

_Or for fucked up shit to happen to me. To either one of us._

"Thank you." Changbin said.

"For what?" Jisung asked.

"Beating that bastard to the ground." 

Jisung laughed at the change of topic and sudden wording, nodding. He understood what the other was saying. After a moment of silence he finally spoke.

"I'm sorry." He started. "I'm sorry for leaving you behind in freshman year and never coming back. You're...you're dependent on people Binnie, and it's really draining. You would drive us away but claimed you cared about us. And I'm not using that as an excuse- how I handled everything was shitty...but like, I was 14, you know?" He said, shifting a little uncomfortably. Changbin didn't really get it. Was he apologizing to him or coming up with excuses? He didn't know.

"I wasn't prepared for something that would require me to give you a lot of attention even through text." He said.

He's leaving him again.

He hates him.

He's going to leave again.

"Oh." Changbin said. Was he angry? No. Irritable? A little, but not a lot. Fighting back tears because he thinks that the friend he isn't really even friends with again is going to leave him? Maybe.

"But that doesn't excuse me leaving you in the dust either. I knew you didn't have a lot of friends. And I knew that like, Hyunjin couldn't be anything like me and Chan were to you- but maybe, I could just like, I don't know. Make it better for a few months. Give you time." Jisung said. He dug through his pocket. He pulled out his ring, Changbin's eyes widening.

"I didn't even know you still had it." He said.

"I...uh...yeah. I kept it. But...it's useless now Changbin." Jisung said. Changbin looked to him with confusion.

"It's useless." Jisung repeated. "Chan and I already broke the promise so...it's useless. Honest to God, we were kids when we made it. We took off the rings. You should too." He said, placing his ring on the coffee table.

Changbin looked at his own ring.

"No." He said. "I don't think I will." 

"How come?" Jisung asked, fidgeting nervously.

Yeah, fucking why? Why does Changbin still care? There's no reason for him to.

He looked at the ring. What was it a reminder of? Good times?? Not at this point, no.

He slowly slid it off his finger.

When he thinks of the ring he doesn't think of Chan and Jisung in middle school, coming with him after school to go play video games. 

When he thinks of the ring he doesn't think of how excited Chan was when he first presented it to Changbin and Jisung. He doesn't think of when he asked them if he could live with them when his parents died ("or something") and they said he could, only to leave him in the dust.

He doesn't think of when they first met Hyunjin, skating with some guys who were definitely too old for him, the guy smiling brightly as he introduced himself.

He doesn't think of when he still had a _family_ , and friends that he could talk to.

Except…

...he does.

This ring goes deeper than Chan and Jisung, it's been with him through everything. If Changbin had a family heirloom, this would be it. He remembers his mom carding her fingers through his hair and trying to convince him to eat healthier food. 

He hates Chan and Jisung for leaving him behind. He knows that eventually, they'll do it again. But the ring is the only thing he personally has linked to anyone _caring_. And he didn't break the promise anyways so, why should he take it off?

He slid the ring back on, exhaling.

"No." He repeated.

Chan and Jisung might be faking that they care now. Jisung might just be checking in on him because of a few bad nightmares. Changbin was having a hard time processing anything.

"You broke the promise." He said. "I didn't. Why should I take the ring off? Because of something you and Chan did?" He asked, glancing at the little indent in his finger from how long he's been wearing the ring, slowly sliding it back on.

"I…" Jisung sighed. "We were children, Changbin."

"I'm aware of that. It's just a stupid piece of jewelry to you, isn't it? It's one of the only pieces I own. So I think I'll keep it." He snapped. A silence fell between them. Then they heard thunder, and it started to rain. Jisung jumped. He hated thunderstorms. Changbin was definitely mostly sober now.

Changbin sighed. He knew Hyunjin wasn't here, otherwise he would've been over by now. He also knew how scared Jisung was of thunderstorms.

"Come here." He said, slowly standing. He held out his hand- his good one anyways.

"What…?" 

"Come here." He said again, impatiently. Jisung took his hand, and let Changbin lead him to his bedroom. Changbin, with some difficulty, covered his window with an extra blanket, before putting down other blankets on the floor, getting Jisung a second pillow, the pillows being unceremoniously dropped. He ignored how unsteady he stood, stumbling with effort.

"What are you-"

"In 5th grade Chan made a fort when he learned you were scared of storms." Changbin reminded him, slowly getting down as he groaned.

"Yeah…?" Jisung said, slowly crouching down and getting on the blanket pad with him, taking his shoes and pants off. He seemed to get the idea he was going to stay the night.

"It worked because you had my munchlax plushie." Changbin murmured.

"Gyu." Jisung remembered. He giggled like a little child.

"I can't solve all your problems. Nor do I want to. But tonight, if you have the nightmare again you can just wake up and watch me breathe. I guess." Changbin said, realizing how much creepier it was said out loud.

Was this bullshit?

Was Changbin still feeling the awful effects of the drug? Was he just spewing bullshit that Jisung was just agreeing to to get him to sleep?

Jisung seemed to get it as he covered them with the blankets. "Thank you Changbin." He whispered.

"No problem." Changbin said, closing his eyes and falling asleep.

Felix, Changbin  
10:42 AM

Felix: hey, i just wanted to check in

Felix: chan kind of told me a lot of stuff i didnt really ask to know about and i felt like was an invasion of your privacy by me knowing but uhm...this message is here to tell you, i guess.

Felix: sorry

Felix: also, I was wondering how you felt about maybe a weekend roadtrip or smth? After we have the previous message sorted out ofc...i just figured like, you had a lot of people leave but you have yet to leave yourself, u know?

Felix: a vacation could be nice

Felix: man this string of messages are stressful im sorry

Felix: please don’t get too mad at chan btw when we talk about it he seemed pretty stressed too

Felix: ily stay hydrated

Felix: have a good morning <3

**Author's Note:**

> ha yeah  
> character development?
> 
> twt is @danbaihe but rn im not the most active, heads up


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